Just because it needs to be said...
Dear World/Fate/Divine Force/Whatever You May Be,
Thank you. Seriously, THANK YOU! I'm very appreciative of the fact that Santos is in my life. For the first time ever...the first week of us dating, I knew we were meant to be together. We felt "right". That first week I looked at him and knew I would marry him one day. There had been someone I loved very much and pined over for an entire year; whom, in that very same first week of that very fresh and uncertain relationship, called me up teary eyed professing his love for me and telling me he truly did want to be with me. To that man I'd cared for and pined after for an entire year, the only one I'd ever waited that long to be with...I turned him down. I threw all of that away on the uncertainty of being with Santos, my saint. I'd never met anyone like Santos before. He's so different from other people and we are so much a yin and yang. Perfectly complimenting each other. That very same first week...he told me in one year he would have to leave me. Leave me for an entire year. I cried, even then. I also told him I would wait, and I have. For someone as special as he is I would wait an eternity.
I will admit, that when he left he left me overfilled with fears and doubts and worries. Times were very hard and the pressures of life were overwhelming. I was beside myself with the rift in my heart with having to let go of him for so long. Would I wait a year to see him changed? Would I pass up opportunity after opportunity only to learn in the end that it was for nothing? Did he feel the same way I did? Usually in relationships one person loves the other more and there was so much love in my heart for him that it could only be that he loved me less. I was terrified that all this life was passing me by for nothing. He was cold then. He didn't know any other way to be in order to cope with the same pains that were agonizing through him. Here he was leaving for a whole year, half a world away with his girlfriend staying behind. When the last one had been with him so long and when he had asked her if she would wait...she said no. Here I was a new girlfriend with many interested parties that he was aware of that he was leaving behind. Would I wait for him? Would I be seduced away? Would I get bored or lose interest in him while he was in the middle of risking his life like so many other woman had done to others? The horror stories were abundant.
Then he visited. Things were strange. So much time had passed and we'd been kept away from each other for so long. Neither of us knew quite what to do. It feels strange to finally get to see one another after agonizing for so long and then to only have one another for a couple of short weeks. His whole life he'd never known to show emotion. His whole family is like that. He was cold. My own self doubts and self issues welled inside of me and I broke like a dam. So many had hurt me in my past that I tried to run away. I perceived his coldness as he having drifted away and the feeling was as if my soul were dying. I closed up my heart and kept him at arm's length. This would kill me.
Things were explained. Both castles tore down their walls. Emotion erupted and all was talked about. We finally both understood where the other was coming from. I came down with plague from my heart ache (seriously, I caught pneumonia or strep or something with 104 fever) He doted on me and cared for me until I got better and all of my fears and silly past pains flew out the door. My having been so torn up over the thought of losing him dashed his fears and past hurts away as well. We were healed, we were whole and we knew in our hearts there was no reason to fear anymore. I will always cherish him.
Thank you Fates. Ten years I have struggled and cried and fought to get back into school. It seemed as if I were cursed. Like SOME awful thing would happen <i>every</i> single time I attempted to go to school. Perhaps I didn't have the right thing in mind until now. I don't know what the reasoning, but now I'm back in class and I couldn't be more grateful. Thank you.
Things are on the mend with my mother. I'm in contact with my brother and his family again. I'm learning which friends are family and I have a whole new family to get to know. I have sisters now. I went from only having a brother and now I'm gaining a new brother and four sisters. I have many nieces and nephews. I have a way to get around town. I have a job with wonderful co-workers and an amazing boss.
Yes there are some REALLY bad things in my life right now...but I'm grateful for all the good, which there is plenty of. If you have hope and faith that things will work out...even when things are bleak, eventually they will. Just keep you head up. Always wear a smile, that way life will never get the satisfaction of having brought you down.
I just re-read some of my journal posts from ...about two years ago. My my, how life has changed. Interesting.